Where I Stand
by GroovyGirl
Summary: What was Liz really thinking during her prom dance with Max? Liz POV


Title: "Where I Stand"  
Author: Lisa  
E-mail: GroovyGirl650@aol.com  
Disclaimer: I do not own Roswell or any of its characters. If I did, season two wouldn't have sucked.  
Category: Angst/Drama...maybe a tinsy bit of romance.  
Rating: G- safe for all readers  
Pairing: Max/Liz of course...but this is an angst fic people.  
Summary: Well, I'm sure we all remember "Heart Of Mine." But what was Liz really thinking during the infamous prom dance with Max?  
Author's Note: I personally hated "Heart Of Mine" for obvious reasons. But when Liz was giving Max that speech I knew something was off. Here's my take on it. And Liz's thoughts are the words inbetween these: ''  
  
  
  
Liz looked at the sea of smiling faces. 'It's the prom, it should be one of the best nights of my life.' But instead she felt like the walls were closing in on her. She felt like she was...suffocating.  
Liz looked at Max sitting beside her at the small table and tried her best to smile. One of her simple everything-is-okay smiles. When she looked at him she felt like she was back at his window again, seeing him and Tess embrace. Outside looking in- like he had once been.  
The silence between them was crushing her. She was scared to break it, terrified to say what needed to be said.  
"You wanna dance?" he asked. Liz was broken from her thoughts and slammed back into the reality of flashing lights and moving bodies.  
"Sure," she replied. They walked onto an empty spot on the crowded dance floor as a slow song started to play. Max took her into his strong arms and Liz felt the familiar thrill race along her body. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted Tess looking at them with a glare that could freeze fire. She couldn't handle this, she needed the truth. "Max, I just want to say that I feel really weird." 'Understatement of the year.'  
Max looked taken aback. "What do you mean?"  
For a second, Liz hesitated. Maybe she should just drop it...but she knew she couldn't. These insecurities would live inside of her. And this question would linger and resound with every beat of her heart- where did she stand with Max?  
"I mean I saw you with Tess."  
"Saw me what with Tess?" Max looked genuinely puzzled and Liz felt this crazy urge to laugh. Maybe she was losing it.  
"I saw you with her. I came by your house yesterday to talk to you about something and you were with her." Liz held her breath and held his gaze evenly. 'Please prove me wrong Max. Prove me wrong. Tell me I'm the only one you'll ever love.' She pleaded with her eyes, with her voice, for him to tell her what she desperately needed to hear.  
"We were just trying to find out things about where I came from, that's all." A hand grasped at Liz's heart and squeezed. Her fears were coming true. He was going to remember everything about his other life. Everything about Tess, his wife.  
"I know, I know. I mean you know, you keep saying that. But you um, keep on leaving out this really pertinent fact. That you were married to her. I feel like my whole life I've been waiting for some really bad news. Oh, you know, by the way Liz, I remember Tess and I love her. It's really paralyzing." Liz's heart stopped when she looked into Max's eyes. They were blank, unfeeling, and sent a chill down her spine. She'd never seen such lack of emotion on his face. In fact, she used to tease him about wearing his heart on his sleeve.  
Max continued to look at her, his face mimicking that of an expressionless robot. He was shutting her away from him just as he had done since Tess entered his life.  
"I know it's not easy." Is that all he could offer her in terms of comfort? Her eyes practically screamed out her thoughts to him. 'Tell me you don't care for her! Please, just say anything about your feelings. I have to breathe! I have to know you need me as much as I need you.'  
"No Max, it can be. It can be really, really easy." 'If you just tell me the truth.' "You know, if we both stop pretending."  
"What do you mean?" That was all it took for her to realize. He didn't really care anymore. He didn't care that she was suffering so badly. All he did was stand there with his detached expression, while she slowly died inside. The next words she spoke came from that aching pain taking refuge in her soul.  
"You know, maybe we're both just holding onto something that'll never be. Max, maybe we should just let go. I have been in so much pain this whole year and it's like I'm suffocating." It was the final test, the chance for Max to tell her how he felt about them. And Liz knew she would run into his arms forever, if only he asked. Her heart stopped in sheer anticipation.  
But all that Max said was, "Liz." A torturous pain slammed through her. 'So this is what it feels like to have your heart smashed.' She looked into his eyes and thought she saw a glimmer of pain, a shadow of hurt. But it wasn't enough...maybe it never would be. So after muttering some excuse about cheering up Maria, Liz walked away. And she didn't look back, because she knew no amount of strength or resolve could stop her tears.  
*~*  
  
Liz and Maria danced to the pounding music, their hair and arms flailing wildly all around them. Both girls danced to forget this night that had crumpled completely, this night that was supposed to be magical and fun. Maria suddenly stopped as her gaze locked on Michael. Liz almost laughed when she saw Michael looking so uncomfortable and out of place. Although reluctant at first, Maria was finally convinced to go talk to him.  
As Liz watched them talk and laugh, she was filled with hollowness that wouldn't be denied. And Liz knew why- it was the lies. The lies she told while dancing with Max, the lies about Future Max. Liz understood that she was the one at fault. She kept pushing him away and keeping him guessing. He was just as much in the dark about their relationship that Liz was- and that had to end. The only way to be at peace with herself was to tell Max everything. With determination, Liz pushed through the crowd searching for the man she loved.  
*~*  
  
As she walked down the school hall, her resolve was replaced with a feeling of euphorium. She would finally be free of those lies that burdened her night and day. Then Liz turned the corner- and her world exploded.  
There it was, the scene of her nightmares. Tess Harding in the arms of Max as they kissed. The world spinned and grew blurry as Liz staggered back. So many emotions filled her that she didn't know which one to pick. It was over...it was really over.  
Still reeling with shock and disbelief, Liz threw away her corsage as she ran towards the door. She stumbled and fell against it. Pushing it open, she launched herself outside and ran as fast as she could. Anguished sobs tore from her throat and she knew what dying felt like, because she was experiencing it. As tears illuminated by the moonlight trickled down her face, she knew the answer to her question. When it came to Max, she knew exactly where she stood. Alone.  
  
End.  
  
  
  



End file.
